She's here!!

Nora Helena was born Thursday, August 31
two weeks before her due date
10:43 p.m.
after just four hours of labor - from water breaking to delivery!

she's a peanut -
5lbs 15oz
18 3/4"

so much to write about while the memories are still there ...

we're in love!

Day ~255
Times up to pee: 4

I am so tired. So tired tired tired. I didn't sleep a bit last night. Miss Belly was jammed into my pelvic bone and no matter which way I turned it just hurt. Finally at about 5a.m. I propped up some pillows and tried to sleep sitting up. At which point she oddly seemed to jam herself upward into the very top of my rib cage. It made it hard to breathe. I dozed off and on until 7:30.

We've been so busy, our breakfast supplies are sadly diminished. So I stopped at Starbucks on the way to work, had mom meet me for a quick hello, got a decaf latte and some fruit. Really wanted a pastry but in my fog I forgot to order one, and when I sat down, this set me off into a flood of tears. She tried hard to comfort me. I just keep thinking - if I am this tired now, how will I get through the birth and then tending this tiny infant who will need me so much?

Somehow I need to find a way to get some rest. It makes me so angry at my employer for not having any kind of maternity benefit. I can't take any extra time to just rest and get myself physically and mentally ready. If I could just get a few good nights of sleep and a few extra days at home to clear the clutter and wash the dishes and maybe even freeze some meals so we don't survive on takeout later ...

All the mamas around me just nod, and then glance at each other and smirk, and say, "Oh honey, this is the easy part! Just wait!" Well, thanks for the confidence booster. I've said it before and I'll say it again - I wish our culture was more supportive and enthusiastic for new mamas, instead of wry and bitter and, yes, even negative. I guess parents come to realize that there is just so little actual support for families in our country, so they can't help but sigh deeply and shake their heads and say from tired experience, "It only gets harder from here."

What, then, is the point? Someone please tell me. Our babies are joyous and amazing and totally worth it - right? Becoming a family and rediscovering all the joys and wonder of life through our children makes life better ... and somehow the exhaustion becomes a small price to pay for the little smiles. Right?

Oh dear, I have always worried about post-partum depression, and I am starting to wonder if there is such a thing as pre-partum depression, because I feel so overwhelmed and uncertain all of a sudden! Aren't I supposed to be eager and anxious and ecstatically expectant? Two weeks away from my due date, as of today. Maybe I just need a nap ...

Day ~240
Times up to pee: 4

I can't believe it's been almost a month since I posted, Miss Belly. So much has happened since then!

First, you will note the return of the "Times up to pee" count at the top of this post. You have grown so big, my poor bladder is squashed into some little corner of my pelvis. It's worst at night. I wake up every couple of hours, and it huuuuurts, it's so full! And turning over is harder and harder - the belly is difficult to manuever, I have to do some very ungraceful rolling around to swing my feet toward the floor, and then somehow get my arms underneath me with enough leverage to sit up .... and with each movement, my bladder is squashed and mushed and I have to go now. I shuffle waddle to the bathroom and usually end up with a very unsatisfying trickle.

Second - I met my online friend! She's great. We connected through Urban Mamas, if I remember correctly. She's due with her little girl just a week after you. We finally made a date, and had yummy chocolate delights at Pix, and commiserated about the discomforts of pregnancy and all the well-intended (yet really, really annoying) advice from people. It will be fun to get together with her again - for a playdate with you wee ladies!

In other news - my nesting instinct has been raging. The kitchen is painted, thanks to your daddy. He pulled some very late nights to get it done for me. I can't believe how good he is to me, sometimes. (He calls us "his girlies" and loves us so much. We're really lucky. He had a dream about you the other night - about how totally cute you are. Which I thought was very sweet.) We also had a big garage sale, so the basement is clear of the junk that was driving me crazy. Now we just need to build some shelves in your room, put things away, clean the house ... we're getting ready for you, and it's more real every single day. Sometimes, though, I get very overwhelmed at the thought of actually having a little person in this room we've been assembling for so long. A third person in our home! It has been the two of us for so long ... I hope we can meld right into a threesome and give you enough of everything you need.

We have finished out birthing classes. They were ... okay. I guess we got something out of it - the basics of what to expect and look for, some techniques for distraction during contractions. I wish there had been more about how to care for you and me after the birth. The instructor was a real piece of work. She actually used props, like smiley faces on sticks! I felt kind of sad because none of the other expectant parents asked us for our phone number. I was sort of hoping for that, since we are all due around the same time and live in the same neighborhood. And I felt too shy to do it myself.

I think I am almost as ready as I can be for you to get here. Another week or so, and I will probably be very anxious. I still have this vague sense of terror, hoping that I can do this well ... you are going to be so important to us, and I always want to feel Very Prepared for anything new that I take on. This time, it is like leaping off a very tall cliff, in a jump that will last forever. And it will be wonderful, everyone tells me. As long as I am not too hard on myself. I have always been so afraid to fail! How does one become a confident mama? How do you know you're doing it right? How do you keep from beating yourself up and questioning yourself constantly? I guess I'll find out.

I know you will make us laugh and smile like never before, and I can't wait to watch your daddy - and nonna - and aunties and uncles - love you up.

Day ~211

The Belly Groweth

I keep forgetting how this feels ... these belly growth spurts! It hasn't ceased to amaze me that this isn't like the gradual creeping of non-pregnancy weight gain, wherein one can gain 40 pounds without really admitting it until you're buying a size 16. No - this comes in gigantic, overnight swellings! Between last Thursday, and today, at least one of my shirts has gone from comfortable to very, very snug. I have that odd burning, nauseous sensation that I've had now and then from the beginning, right before seeing a big increase in belly girth. And most definitely, everything feels rounder, and firmer, and BIGGER than just two days ago.

Tonight, you really put on a show for daddy and me. Rolling waves and swells on the side of my stomach, which we think may have been stretching hands ... daddy made shadow puppets on the belly and you responded with sweet little pushes. Pretty cool stuff, kid. (Also very Alien-esque, quite frankly, but sci-fi cool anyway).

I made my very first clothing purchase as a mama today. A cute little orange vintage dress with smocking and tiny rick-rack across the bottom, for $2.25 at a thrift store; and a funky paisley shirt for when you're just about walking. I also drooled over the cuteness of these little booties with rocket ship pilot girls on the toes ...

Day ~210

The Belly's "Baby Soiree"

Pink and green paper lanterns ... a cake shaped like boobs and a belly ... two kinds of punch (with alcohol add-ins to the side) ... chicken satay, sausages, pasta salad, and munchies galore ... perfect weather ... the love and excitement of the Best Sister in Law Ever ... what a party was thrown for you, Miss Belly!

Yesterday, we had family and friends all together in our honor for only the second time in our life (the first being our wedding, and that was just a small, special group on the beach in Mexico), and it was lovely! Thanks to K, whose energy and good taste and magic touch brought together every little detail for an amazing show. And she was still smiling at the end of the day! The boys did a stroller-racing obstacle course, there was some good-hearted pestering for us to reveal your name (we still aren't sure), and "Opa" marched around making a video to go into the "Time Capsule" that will be opened on your 16th birthday. I wonder whether we'll even have the technology around to view it by then, or if we'll have holographic chips or something instead.

My girl - you have more footie pajamas than you will ever wear. I was thrilled to get a diaper pail, quite frankly, because no baby needs as many clothes as are presently piled in your room. People can't resist the cuteness, I realize, but I am making it a policy to buy new parents Very Practical Items! Whatever will we do with 17 (I am not joking) blankies?? These are not swaddling cloths - these are handmade quilts and afghans and microfleecy-cuddly things. Seriously, I don't even know where we'll store them!

Until now, I used the party as a marker in the future, to reassure myself that I had plenty of time."Oh, the party is still so far off - that's when it will be getting close. I have weeks to go!" And suddenly, I am in the "after the party" time frame. With 8 weeks to go. And so much to do, and so much to think about ....

And yet, I find myself realizing that there really isn't that much more to think about. It's going to be a lifelong ride, and we'll never be prepared in advance any more than we already are. I wonder if "life before __ __ was born" will fade into the fog, and we'll peer back at it, and wonder how we ever got along without you?

You met your grandpa T for the first time last week, too. As soon as he put his hand on the belly, you moved. You haven't done that for anyone else. You must sense that he is very special and very powerful. He was my daddy, and I worshipped him for so long ...I only wish he didn't now live halfway around the globe. Oh, you'd have fun with him!

Day ~202

The Frightening Foray Into Infant Care

At the urging of a good friend, I decided to push past my denial that 9 weeks of pregnancy plus 12 weeks of maternity leave is an eternity, and that Mary Poppins will arrive at my doorstep just when I need her ... and I scheduled my first tour at a day care center.

I started with Providence Wee Care, which was recommended by several mamas, and is part of our hospital system. They accept children of Providence employees first, and then siblings of enrolled children, and then new, non-Providence children. But I had to start somewhere, so away I went. I got lost; I took the wrong elevator; I ended up at the back door of the center, in an anonymous hallway, peering through the security-controlled glass door at a group of other touring parents who looked at me blankly. Finally, someone at the front desk opened the door via remote control, and I edged into the tour, which had already started.

I felt conspicuous, and bewildered, and overwhelmed. The infant room seemed so ... sterile. In personality, not cleanliness, though it was inarguably spotless. It was sparkling clean, quiet, and spacious, but keep in mind - I have never been to a daycare center. My only experience with daycare was a very brief time as very young child, which went very, very poorly until my mother yanked me out after they forgot to pick me up at kindergarten. All I remember is being forced to eat split pea soup that I promptly threw up, and the terrifying prospect of enforced naps in a long row with strange kids. So I have no frame of reference. I don't know what to expect, or how it should feel. Wee Care was ... fine. But to me, right then, in my anxiety,. it didn't feel cozy, or loving, or stimulating. Maybe it was nap time - the lights were off. Or maybe they had them off because it was a hot day, and there was enough dim light from the windows. Maybe it was good that it was so very quiet, even though all the babies were awake, but I expected more energy in the room. In any case, I trailed along as the tour left the infant rooms, and traveled down the hall to peer inside the preschool rooms, which were more bustling and colorful ... later, I asked to see the infant room again, and met a wonderfully nice lady who had a cute little one on her lap, and it all seemed - well - fine. But not the slice of heaven I needed right then.

I can't really explain how I felt, and I don't mean to place judgment on day care in general, or even Wee Care, not at all. But I panicked. I wanted to cry. I just couldn't imagine bringing my own tiny baby to any place that wasn't a loving, cozy grandma house full of cinnamon smells and soft white curtains and one person who would snuggle and coo and love up my little one as if she were an empress.

Besides that, their waiting list is formidable. I'd probably never get in anyway.

So, I've been searching and emailing and posting everywhere I can think of, asking for more infant care referrals, for nanny share ideas, for any advice I can find. I live in inner SE. Everyone tells me it's almost impossible to find day care or home care in my neighborhood. Maybe a SAHM who wants to watch a wee babe a few times a week? Or a fantastic early childhood development grad student? I don't have a choice - if I want to keep my house, I have to return to work. If I want a college savings plans and a retirement fund (both of which my employer provides, remarkably), I have to return to work. I am praying I can go down to four days per week, and that DTB can stay home one day per week, leaving three days to cover ... somehow ...

Last night, my belly was rolling like ocean waves, and I think I could feel something like a miniature shoulder curved just beneath my belly button ...

Day ~199! Week 30

I had a fabulous time at the coast last week ... for those following along, yes, that means everything with the tests came out just fine. I not only had another Non Stress Test, which she passed with flying colors, but my ever-thorough doc ordered a second ultrasound just so we could "take a peek" and count her movements. I was secretly really excited that I was getting a second ultrasound! Oh, how I have wanted to see the shape of her head and watch her legs move again! They planned to watch her for an hour - but after five minutes, the technician said, "She already has all the points she needs! She's moving like crazy in there ..." Apparently, they forgot to tell me that I have an anterior placenta (meaning, it's at the front of my belly) and those extra inches of padding can make it hard to feel gentler movements. Everything measured perfectly (though her head measured 30 weeks, not 28 - she takes after her mama - let's hope she can get through that passageway down there!), the four chambers of her heart were "beautiful," we saw her legs swinging and feet kicking, her mouth and lips opening and closing. It was lovely. My mom was with me, and was speechless, marveling at all of it. DTB rushed over as soon as the ultrasound was ordered, and I was so sad that they went so quickly - he missed it. The disappointment on his face! It made me love him even more.

The technician gave baby her "first A+" and sent me on my way. All my blood work came back normal. And so, it was off to the coast for 7 days with my very best girlfriends, their husbands, and their babies!

I have been one of a foursome known as "The Girls" for as long as I can remember. We met via our parents in kindergarten - they were in the morning class, and I was in the afternoon class, but we shared a special chart of gold stars on the classroom wall ... we were all advanced readers. We stayed best friends through elementary school, junior high, and the perils of high school ... we stayed best friends even after we all went away to different colleges, scattered across the country. (Thank goodness email has just barely been invented ... we braved the new world of Pine electronic mail together, between postcards). We were in each other's weddings, and lately, we've been at each other's baby showers. Miss Belly will be the fourth baby born to The Girls ... and L is due with her second just 6 weeks later!

While Portland experienced a rare 100+ degree week, we reveled in blue skies lofted above the cliffs of the pacific northwest coast line ... played with the babies ... and me? I slept, and did a lot of nothing, and walked on the sand with DTB, and ate two scoops of ice cream at the cheese factory tour, and even watched some cable television (I miss the Food Network!). And Miss Belly? She loved the ocean air, or she loved that mama was resting, because she moved and rolled, jabbed and jumped, all week long. DTB took dozens of pictures of me, and I watched the rolling blue sea and white lacy foam racing up the sand, and let it ... all ... go.

It was perfect timing, being with the girls and their husbands, and watching them all be parents. They do it so well. It was Baby Immersion, Baby Bootcamp ... DTB was wonderful and adorable, the way he watched everything so closely. He told me he wants to be like V and R - partners in parenting, relaxed and methodical at the same time, sharing the load and laughing at the right moments.

Yesterday, upon returning to work, three people told me I looked "amazing!" and "different" and "like a new person!" Uh, yeah. That's what the first 10 day vacation in 7 years will do for a girl!

Miss Belly ... just 10 weeks to go! (Unless you're early!) Your room is still piled with things - we're picking up a dresser this weekend that your uncle J and aunt S found at a garage sale, so, very soon, all those sweet little shirts and jammies will be washed and put away. Maybe your mama will feel some small illusion of "being ready" for your grand entrance ... we're a little bit afraid of this adventure ...

Day ~185

Saturday morning, I went to yoga as usual. When I got home, I sat down to catch up on some emails, and suddenly became so very, very tired ... I actually got into bed and fell asleep for two hours! Take note: I never, ever nap. I am a night owl. And if I do lie down, I always lie down on the couch. The bed is for sleeping at night. But Saturday ... every cell in my body told me to go back to bed and sleep. So I did.

I was tired again Sunday, tired again Monday, tired again Tuesday. And Miss Belly, along with my tiredness, stopped moving around as often and as vigorously. So on Wednesday, getting increasingly worried, I went into the doctor's office. Blood pressure - perfect. Temperature - perfect. Lung sounds - perfect. Baby heart beat - perfect. So what was wrong? Was it sudden-onset third trimester symptoms? Something else? The doc, wonderful and compassionate as always, decided it would be "reasonable" to send my over to the hospital for a "Non-Stress Test." Oh, how hilriously named could it be!

So, I headed straight over, and walked into the maternity ward, and they put me into a quiet room with a nice, soft hospital bed, and strapped two soft belts around me, with round discs the size of coasters placed just so to hear Miss Belly's heart. And there we rested, for two whole hours. Her heart beat filled the room with its swishswish sound, and when she moved - she did move a few times - it echoed with a scratchy rumble. The monitor gently churned out a grid with the zaggy blue line that showed each beat.

Once - just once - the swishswishswish halted, stammered ... and stopped. I sat up in bed a little. Looked at the screen. Yup - the blue line dropped in a long V to the bottom of the grid. And then, swishswishswish, she picked right back up again. I called the nurse. She said she'd seen the same thing (they were monitoring everything from another room) - that is was probably totally normal - she was probably playing with cord. But she'd page my doc, and talk it over with him.

Long story short - they decided that although it really wasn;t too worrisome, and everything else on the test looked fine, we should test again. If there is another "variable," we'll do an ultrasound. If not - we'll proceed as normal.

Yes - everyone has recommended that I chug some orange juice ... drink ice water ... lie down ... play music ... none of it makes Miss Belly jump into action. She's given me a few kicks today - not as many, and definitely not as strong. My belly hasn't really jumped, I don't feel any rolling around or jabs. Just a few pokes, and few vague motions, a few times per day.

Miss Belly - are you just busy growing? I wish you could tell me that you were doing just fine ... I wonder if I should ask for an ultrasound anyway, just to ease my mind and to see you again.

Saturday, we leave for a week's vacation at the coast. Hopefully, my mind will be at ease by then, and both of us can rest, breathe the sea air, and grow ...

Day ~183

Your party in Colorado was so much fun, Miss Belly. The aunts and grandma all got along (small miracles!), the food was lovely, and so many people came to celebrate you! Off the top of my head, the guests included Grandma Margie, your nonna (my mom), Aunt Linda, Aunt Sandy, Elizabeth, Aunt Debbie, Crinda, Aunt Kay's daughter-in-law Amy (who cried when she arrived - we all miss Kay so much) and her two little girls Alexis and Carly, my friends Bonnie (with sweet little Abby!), Amy M., Val, Alicia, Rita, Maia's mom Shirley (bearing gifts from Lorna and Paula), Christie, and much to my surprise my friend Annie, whom I met when I was just two years old and who was my very best fairyland imagination friend for many years. I know there were more people than that ... it was such a whirlwind, saying hello to everyone - that it passed in the blink of an eye.

You have your high chair waiting for you, and good silly books, and so many sweet little sweaters and jammies and socks! Bonnie even came with two bags of hand me downs from Abby, so we came home with four boxes and an extra suitcase piled high with things that will help welcome you into the world.

But you know - the "stuff" doesn't really matter, even though I'm grateful for all of it. It was being with all these great women, who are so very happy for me, and so excited that you are coming to join us.

And just think - our Portland party is next month, and all of your daddy's family will be there, and your very, very special Aunt K and Uncle R, and all of our wonderful PDX friends that we are so very lucky to have met when we moved here not knowing a soul. Now, if just one of them would have a little one for you to play with ... your mama and daddy are not usually the trailblazing type, you see, so it's exhilirating and a little scary to be the first ones we know to have a baby ...

Your kicks grow ever stronger. I am reading a fantastic book - Ahab's Wife - that is three inches thick and very heavy. When I rest it on my round tummy at night, your kicks actually send it jumping! And a few nights ago, daddy could feel you kicking while I was sound asleep ... how strange to think that you already have an independent life from mine, moving and testing your strength while I am snoozing away. Daddy felt lucky to have some special time, just you and he.

Just 14 weeks to go, Miss Belly. I'm treasuring every moment.

Day ~176

Tomorrow morning, wee babe, you and I will get on a plane together for the first time! We're going to see your great aunts, great cousins, and great grandma Margie. They are throwing us a party, all in honor of you, the 6th generation first born girl-child.

We're going to Colorado, to a beautiful town tucked right up against the Rocky Mountain foothills, where your great-great-great grandfather immigrated in 1901. He got on a boat in Italy with two of his brothers (they left the youngest one behind with their mother and father), and made his way all the to wild west, where he started working in a coal mine and married your great great great grandmother. She was a wonderful, magical woman - you might even be named after her. I am lucky enough to have memories of her, since she was still alive when I was a little girl. That's right - we had five generations of first born daughters alive at the same time! One day I'll show you a picture of all of us together. You are the next one in the chain ...

So we will go the town where your great great great grandmother raised her children, and then your great great grandmother did the same. And then your great grandma raised my mother, and then I was born in that very same town ...

The party will have lots of food, because, well, that 's what Italian women do. They don't always get along very well in the normal way - too much hot blood and opinion and everyone talking at once. But they sure do know how to eat!

I'm sorry I have this terrible cold, and that it makes me sneeze and jostle you all around in there. And toss and turn all night long ... I hope I feel better in Colorado, where the air is nice and dry, and the sky vast and blue. We will sleep all tucked in with your grandma - my mom - and maybe she will be able to feel you kick in the early morning, the way daddy does now that you are growing so strong! We watch you move, from outside, now. We can see my belly jump around, and now we're waiting for you to get big enough that we can see the point of your little elbow when you roll over, and maybe the poke of a tiny foot.

And when we come home to beautiful Portland, where everything is green and wet and the people are quirky and interesting, we might set up your crib and start washing and folding some of the tiny outfits that have been piling up on the "second bedroom" (soon to be your room!) floor since we found out you were coming. That's right - Nonna has gone a little crazy at the thrift stores. She does have the magic touch, though! All kinds of pretty, brand new little things just for you, at about $1 apiece.

I'm glad you're all curled up in there, busy growing. I bet the next time we're on a plane together, you'll be a lot louder ...

Day ~173

You know those pokes I was telling you about last week? Well, it seems that Miss Belly gained some strength over the weekend, because the pokes are now full-on jabs and kicks! Happy birthday, daddy! We were on the couch a few nights ago, with his hand and arm resting across my belly, when suddenly my stomach jumped and DTB's hand actually moved from the impact! She boogied around like that most of the evening, and I was overjoyed that he finally got to interact with this little person.

When we went to bed, I curled up behind him and snuggled my belly against his back - and within a few moments, we were giggling about the kicks she was giving his kidneys. Suddenly, there were really three of us in the room, cuddled together in the dark ...

I've been unpacking my books, after having them boxed up for more than three years between moves. Finally, I have shelves ... I even have an office room that is starting to feel like the library I always wanted. It sounds so cliche, but it was like unwrapping old friends and saying hello. More than a dozen boxes, full of stories that made me hold my breath and words that spun my imagination and ideas that furrowed my brow and lit up my brain ... one of the best moments was unpacking a whole box of books that have been dragged around since I was small - picture books and chapter books that were my world in the sticky-handed summers of childhood. I always said I wanted to save them for my children, and now that's real ... how amazing to put them on a shelf and think about reading them to my own daughter soon!

What else can I tell you little one ... sometimes I worry that I'm not eating enough fruits and vegetables for you, or that I squish you too much when I roll too far over in my sleep, or that I should be reading to you every night or playing Mozart ... I hope I am an attentive enough mommy, and that I can give you everything you need ...

Day ~167

Miss Belly's nickname has evolved this past week from "Wiggles" to "Thumper." All of a sudden, those little taps have become serious pokes! I love each and every one.

She seems to move most about mid-morning, when I'm at work. Then right before lunch, I'll get a few bumps. And then, usually, nothing until late evening, once I'm lying on the couch. That seems to be when her most vigorous dancing happens. On the weekends, it's less predictable - she seems to move less at home, though as I've hypothesized before, this could be simply because I'm sitting still a lot more at work, and noticing her.

Sunday night, I watched, with wide eyes, my belly jump around for about 10 minutes; not wanting to talk and make her stop, I tried to send psychic messages to DTB, who was outside washing the car. Didn't work - he's felt a few little movements here and there, but I can't wait for him to share some of the really exciting ones!

I did notice today that when I drink cold water, she shimmies around a little bit. I'm sure she must be able to feel it ...

The nursery is starting to happen. We now have a changing table, cradle, and crib - all purchased from craigslist, totaling under $200. The crib is waiting to be assembled, and we need a dresser and all the various accoutrements - changing pad, bedding, storage baskets ... Oma is going to sew a crib skirt and diaper stacker from fabric I picked out last night. As I wandered the rows and rows of every print and texture known to man, I had to smirk at myself. This, surely, will be the first and last time I ever spend three hours agonizing over just the right colors and prints for a crib skirt! I know that someday, I'll look back (a little longingly) and laugh at the luxury of those long moments.

I finally revealed our short name list to my best friends. I thought this would be a good idea, since one friend is just 6 weeks behind me with her second baby - and she just found out it's another girl! So rather than have any names inadvertantly "stolen" from each other, I thought it prudent to share. We have just one in common - though I do think it's a favorite for both of us, so we'll see if either of us takes it. It's DTB's top choice, actually. I did, reassuringly, get the stamp of approval on using the name I've agonized over - which is so similar to my coworker's new baby's name. They seem to think it's different enough that it won't matter ... I love my friends!

Other than feeling really exhausted yesterday - to the point of wanting to kill anyone who crossed me, I was so cranky (this reminded me of the importance of getting to bed on time) - I feel wonderful. I never knew I would enjoy being pregnant so much. Just 16 weeks to go!

Although for the first time today, I did feel really irritable about having to pee again ...

Day ~159 HAPPY FIRST MOTHER'S DAY!

Yesterday was my first mother's day. How odd and giggly to suddenly aquire a whole new holiday for myself. DTB actually remembered to get me a gift (a cute maternity top - I have been suffering in the wardrobe department), and even better, the sweetest card in which he actually wrote something longer than 3 words and expressed his love for me and our growing family in his wonderful, tender, way.

My mom gave me flowers, and I got a few emails wishing me a happy day. How nice.

Miss Belly does not move much on the weekends. Have I mentioned that before? I have a few theories. A) Being at home is relaxing, so she just chills; B) When I'm at home, I spend a lot more time on my feet (cooking, running errands, going to yoga, etc) so I'm just not noticing it as much as when I'm seated 8 hours a day at work; or C) She spends the weekends growing, and therefore sleeping more, which is also why my belly seems to expand suddenly every Sunday night.

Option B is the most likely I suppose. I get so freaked out, though, after a whole day of not feeling the little wiggles and bumps. And what do you know, as soon as I sit down at my desk and start clacking away at the keyboard, she gets going. Maybe she'll be a writer like me - programmed from the early cellular stages with the rackety, clickety sounds of the keys.

As we were walking home from a cookout at R and K's last night, I asked DTB, "Does 17 and a half weeks sound like a long time to you?" And he laughed, and said, "Not anymore!" I can't believe we have just 17 and a half weeks until our daughter arrives, our household increases by one, and I become a mama. I'm not at all scared of labor - I am, however, terrified that I won't have enough to give to this little girl, that I will fail, that I will get too tired and too overwhelmed by it all ... at the same time, I have a feeling it might just be like the other happiest surprise of my life - the joy of being married, which I never expected at all.

Thank you, happy baby, for arriving on the scene and making me grow (inside and outside!) so much as a person, already ...

Day ~154

In my normal life, I hate bananas. Unless they are still tinged with green at the edges of the peel, I can't stand them. But for the past week, I can't resist them. Especially today - I had a banana smoothie, which would have made me wretch 6 months ago - and tonight, sliced banana on cereal. My first out-of-character craving!

I went to mid-week yoga for the first time tonight, due to a terrible, grouchy day of work. Ahhhh ... namaste. I feel much better now!

And Miss Belly is still rolling and poking around in there. My tummy jumped a little tonight, and I waved DTB over excitedly, but she seems to get quiet and calm as soon as he's near, and especially when he puts his hands on my roundness.

Day ~153

She's becoming a real a mover-and-shaker, this one.

Over the weekend, she was pretty quiet - maybe it was the soft grey light and shivery spring rain and the peacefulness of being at home. Or maybe she was saving up for the work week, because as of yesterday morning, every hour or so, I'm feeling bumps and taps and something akin to a bubble swelling up and sinking down ... she burbles around and keeps me company in the office, during my lunch hour, in my pajama-ed early evenings waiting for DTB to get home ...

I'm quite certain it will be forceful enough for DTB to feel it any day now!

I'm also convinced that my yoga class encourages the belly to grow. It seems that every Sunday night, after Saturday asanas and general weekend restfulness, my belly feels suddenly tighter and my pajama pants feel smaller. Since the beginning, the growth seems to happen in overnight spurts rather than gradual increases. It's miraculous and very bizarre ...

We now have baby furniture in our house - we picked up a changing table and cradle from craigslist on Saturday - sweet, pretty white furniture that makes us grin when we look at it. And yesterday - a pack n play for thirty bucks from a family down the street. Let the gear accumulation begin ...

Day ~149

Thump, bump, knock knock.

All right already! After days of feeling just nuthin' from Miss Belly, this morning she's practicing cartwheels. Wheeeee! This is a lot like the day after our ultrasound, when she seemed to be gleefully celebrating her screen debut with several hours of mambo. It's almost as if she knows that I was listening in on her yesterday, and will therefore ham it up for a little while.

I love it.

The funny thing is, all the mamas I know are telling me to enjoy the peacefulness, because in a month or so when she has the hiccups all day long, I will be pleading for her to calm down.

C'mon, mamas. Let me enjoy this a little bit! This is a good example of all the negativity being flung at mamas (often, by mamas!). I get really tired of hearing, all the time, about how exhausting and financially draining and woefully life-altering this is going to be. Time magazine with headlines like "The Myth of Motherhood," interviews with women who are bemoaning their time at playgroups because they graduated-from-Dartmouth-for-god's-sake. Like I need the warnings. Me - Ms. Freakout. I was freaked out to go away to college, freaked out to get married, freaked out to move to a new state ... not because I'm a stick in the mud, timid type - no way. But because I am convinced that peril lurks around every corner, and I want to spend time getting properly trained for ninja battle beforehand. And there are some things in life that require taking a risk, and not having a plan. Getting pregnant was the biggest leap of faith I have ever taken - my dark side is already fully convinced that I am going to be exhausted and overwhelmed and miserable and isolated. What I really need here is excited support! Reasons to be thrilled! Lists of things to look forward to! Descriptions of how it changed women for the better, and how they'd never go back, and how they wish they'd done it sooner! I know it's messy, and tiring, and hard. (I don't know first hand, but I have heard it, taken note, and committed it to memory, folks.)

I like to think that part of being a supportive community is sharing celebration and joy. Which is why I appreciate blogger mamas so much - I can tell they're having a lot of fun, even amidst the poop and sleeplessness.

I just took the longest, most vigorous walk I've taken since becoming pregnant.

We have a Dairy Queen about 20 blocks away. Much of that is uphill. Do you think the benefits to my leg muscles are canceled out by the consumption of a large chocolate-dipped vanilla cone?

Hey, it's calcium. And the night air was so lovely and warm and lilac-smelling, which has pleasant mood lifting effects.

Day ~148

I can stop biting my fingernails [a habit I hope Miss Belly never picks up] - after another morning of feeling no movement, I called my doc and meekly asked if I could come have a listen via doppler. I love my doctor's office. They are so cool about stuff like that. My doc's PA said, "Oh sure! Come on over. You don't even have to call first, just stop by and tell them to page me whenever - we'll take a listen every day if you want. I was completely paranoid through all four [!] of my pregnancies."

So I cut short my lunch and hopped in the car and zoomed over, and the PA came right out and hustled me in and squirted cold gel on my belly and *boink!* plopped down the wand. After just a couple scoots, there it was - swishswishswishswish.

She's just hangin' out, right behind my belly button.

The PA's theory is that the warm weather may have slowed her down. She asked if I'd tried chugging a bunch of juice and then lying down. Um, yes. A gallon's worth in the past three days. Taking a bath? Yes. I've also tried music, deep breathing, belly massage, having DTB talk to her, and M&Ms. No dice. A coworker recommended holding an ice pack or cold water bottle on my belly, and I would have resorted to that next.

But now I can stop obsessing for a few days. That is, I can switch obsessive topics - next up: changing table versus dresser with changing pad on top?

Isn't there a war in Iraq, or something?

Day ~147

She has moved, like, three times in two days - and it is really bothering me. I just want to know she's okay in there. I could call the doc and ask to come in to hear the heartbeat, but they will just think I'm crazy. Should I care if they think I'm crazy? Probably not.

I have woken up a few mornings throughout this whole experience and felt, just ... not pregnant. And that bothers me. This morning was one of those mornings. The belly is still there and there isn't any bleeding (for almost a week now). I must be crazy. OK, I'll just go home and lie down and drink some juice and concentrate and hopefully she'll do a little dance to say hello.

Move, baby, move - give me a little jab. DTB says you're just sleeping a whole, whole lot. Wake up and play!

Day ~146

My first training in the unpredictability of parenting.

Sunday, she barely stirred all day. A quiet day at home, to be sure, but I kept waiting ... DTB kept assuring me that she was just sleeping, as little babes are wont to do. Yesterday, she rolled and fluttered and burbled around in there all afternoon - I loved it! Today, a couple swift, gentle rumbles, but mostly nothing. I'm trying to pinpoint a pattern, but it eludes me. I want to get to know her! I'm even considering renting a fetal doppler just so I can connect with her in a tangible way every day. You can get them online for around $20 a month, and they are supposedly totally safe. I'll check with my doc, and then maybe ...

In other news, my mom's therapist has told me that it probably isn't a good idea to count on her being ready to provide consistent childcare any time soon. My mom is a long story that I won't go into here - she is an amazing woman, but also a very shattered woman. Her one greatest strength is being with children - she brings magic into their lives. She is one of those women who seems made for motherhood - I couldn't ask for a better person to provide love and care for this baby. But, she's struggling with things that make it a very bad idea to assume I can count on the consistency and commitment that are totally necessary when you make plans for handing over your child, and returning to work.

Oh, if only I had a choice! But I don't. (Yes, okay, I know we all have choices, and some might accuse me of being a horrible, selfish person to have a child and then go back to the office, but ... let me finish ...) My entire paycheck pays the mortgage. We worked really, really hard to be able to buy our own home, and my income was a big part of making it possible. And after watching what's happened to my mom, I have to admit it's really important to me that I am building my own retirement fund and helping to ensure my family's economic health into the future. I am crossing my fingers that I can telecommute part of the week, and that DTB can do the same, and we can cobble something together that feels safe and secure for Little Miss Belly. I suppose it will all become more clear after she is cradled between us, breathing her baby breaths. We'll know what to do.

I am, quite astonishingly (to me), enjoying being pregnant. It's a little uncomfortable, it's a lot weird, but it's also such an incredible experience. It leaves me awestruck sometimes. I know that I'll only do this once or twice in my life, so I am treasuring every single day, knowing that it's fleeting. I still can't quite wrap my brain around this idea that I will have a daughter in a few short months ...

I've started reading to her - Carl Sandberg's Rootabaga Stories, which my dad read to me, to impart his love of words to his own young daughter (it worked). They are whimsical, dreamy bits of prose, poetic and rhythmic, silly and surreal. They remind me of the sound of shoes on dusty gravel roads and nighttime crickets and ice tinkling in lemonade pitchers and the downy touch of flannel.