Day ~202

The Frightening Foray Into Infant Care

At the urging of a good friend, I decided to push past my denial that 9 weeks of pregnancy plus 12 weeks of maternity leave is an eternity, and that Mary Poppins will arrive at my doorstep just when I need her ... and I scheduled my first tour at a day care center.

I started with Providence Wee Care, which was recommended by several mamas, and is part of our hospital system. They accept children of Providence employees first, and then siblings of enrolled children, and then new, non-Providence children. But I had to start somewhere, so away I went. I got lost; I took the wrong elevator; I ended up at the back door of the center, in an anonymous hallway, peering through the security-controlled glass door at a group of other touring parents who looked at me blankly. Finally, someone at the front desk opened the door via remote control, and I edged into the tour, which had already started.

I felt conspicuous, and bewildered, and overwhelmed. The infant room seemed so ... sterile. In personality, not cleanliness, though it was inarguably spotless. It was sparkling clean, quiet, and spacious, but keep in mind - I have never been to a daycare center. My only experience with daycare was a very brief time as very young child, which went very, very poorly until my mother yanked me out after they forgot to pick me up at kindergarten. All I remember is being forced to eat split pea soup that I promptly threw up, and the terrifying prospect of enforced naps in a long row with strange kids. So I have no frame of reference. I don't know what to expect, or how it should feel. Wee Care was ... fine. But to me, right then, in my anxiety,. it didn't feel cozy, or loving, or stimulating. Maybe it was nap time - the lights were off. Or maybe they had them off because it was a hot day, and there was enough dim light from the windows. Maybe it was good that it was so very quiet, even though all the babies were awake, but I expected more energy in the room. In any case, I trailed along as the tour left the infant rooms, and traveled down the hall to peer inside the preschool rooms, which were more bustling and colorful ... later, I asked to see the infant room again, and met a wonderfully nice lady who had a cute little one on her lap, and it all seemed - well - fine. But not the slice of heaven I needed right then.

I can't really explain how I felt, and I don't mean to place judgment on day care in general, or even Wee Care, not at all. But I panicked. I wanted to cry. I just couldn't imagine bringing my own tiny baby to any place that wasn't a loving, cozy grandma house full of cinnamon smells and soft white curtains and one person who would snuggle and coo and love up my little one as if she were an empress.

Besides that, their waiting list is formidable. I'd probably never get in anyway.

So, I've been searching and emailing and posting everywhere I can think of, asking for more infant care referrals, for nanny share ideas, for any advice I can find. I live in inner SE. Everyone tells me it's almost impossible to find day care or home care in my neighborhood. Maybe a SAHM who wants to watch a wee babe a few times a week? Or a fantastic early childhood development grad student? I don't have a choice - if I want to keep my house, I have to return to work. If I want a college savings plans and a retirement fund (both of which my employer provides, remarkably), I have to return to work. I am praying I can go down to four days per week, and that DTB can stay home one day per week, leaving three days to cover ... somehow ...

Last night, my belly was rolling like ocean waves, and I think I could feel something like a miniature shoulder curved just beneath my belly button ...