Day ~255
Times up to pee: 4
I am so tired. So tired tired tired. I didn't sleep a bit last night. Miss Belly was jammed into my pelvic bone and no matter which way I turned it just hurt. Finally at about 5a.m. I propped up some pillows and tried to sleep sitting up. At which point she oddly seemed to jam herself upward into the very top of my rib cage. It made it hard to breathe. I dozed off and on until 7:30.
We've been so busy, our breakfast supplies are sadly diminished. So I stopped at Starbucks on the way to work, had mom meet me for a quick hello, got a decaf latte and some fruit. Really wanted a pastry but in my fog I forgot to order one, and when I sat down, this set me off into a flood of tears. She tried hard to comfort me. I just keep thinking - if I am this tired now, how will I get through the birth and then tending this tiny infant who will need me so much?
Somehow I need to find a way to get some rest. It makes me so angry at my employer for not having any kind of maternity benefit. I can't take any extra time to just rest and get myself physically and mentally ready. If I could just get a few good nights of sleep and a few extra days at home to clear the clutter and wash the dishes and maybe even freeze some meals so we don't survive on takeout later ...
All the mamas around me just nod, and then glance at each other and smirk, and say, "Oh honey, this is the easy part! Just wait!" Well, thanks for the confidence booster. I've said it before and I'll say it again - I wish our culture was more supportive and enthusiastic for new mamas, instead of wry and bitter and, yes, even negative. I guess parents come to realize that there is just so little actual support for families in our country, so they can't help but sigh deeply and shake their heads and say from tired experience, "It only gets harder from here."
What, then, is the point? Someone please tell me. Our babies are joyous and amazing and totally worth it - right? Becoming a family and rediscovering all the joys and wonder of life through our children makes life better ... and somehow the exhaustion becomes a small price to pay for the little smiles. Right?
Oh dear, I have always worried about post-partum depression, and I am starting to wonder if there is such a thing as pre-partum depression, because I feel so overwhelmed and uncertain all of a sudden! Aren't I supposed to be eager and anxious and ecstatically expectant? Two weeks away from my due date, as of today. Maybe I just need a nap ...
3 comments:
*hugs* I'm so glad to see you post, but so sad at how tired you are! When other mamas say "just wait" they don't intend to make life depressing, just prepare you for the change. There's a lot going through your mind right now and then there are the hormones too! If you're still working you may want to find a way to take cat naps at work during lunch. Just lay your head down on your desk for a few minutes and zone out... it's a learned skill but it's SO important to be able to do. Maybe try some relaxation techniques out if you have been taught some for laboring purposes.
As for the house and prepping, just make a list of the must do's and the wish to have done's and let your partner/mom/whoever share in those tasks. Your body is being pushed to it's limits and you need all the help you can get!
That said, take care and I'm wishing you all the best as you "taper" into the big event. You're going to be an awesome mama :) (and I'm only 3 weeks behind you!!)
You are just around some bummerish people, not everyone is that negative about a mom-to-be. The first two weeks ARE pretty bad but it just keeps getting better, better, better. (The sleepless part kind of keeps sucking though but you are already getting used to that part now). Once the baby is out you have MET him or her, and that is so wonderful, unlike sitting around pregnant and huge and wondering who your baby is. And that helps you get through the hard parts.
Employers who don't give ample maternity leave should be smacked. Hard.
Good luck to you!
Thank you for your honesty because i totally have to agree. I got so tired of people saying, "SLEEP NOW SLEEP NOW" when I COULD NOT SLEEP. I was ready to be done and didn't want people telling me it got worse.
If I was one of those people to you. I'm so sorry.
It's hard, sure, but all change is hard at first. But then it's amazing, and wonderful, and you get through it and they smile and you fall in love and WHAT HAPPENED it's two years later and you'd die for them.
Yea. It gets better. Yea. It's totally worth it. Yea. Being huge pregnant is hard and in some ways it's so much easier once their out and in others there is change. But YES. It's worth it and obviously because we're willing to do it all again.
You're going to love being a mommy. I promise.
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