Bleh. Bleh. BLEHHHHH.

Someone please tell me that there is a common hormonal freakout that happens 8 months after giving birth (even if you stopped breastfeeding at 12 weeks). Please, tell me that. Because this all started about three weeks ago, when it would have been PMS, obviously, and I thought, "Oh, yeah, yuck, this is PMS, it'll pass." And it hasn't passed. Not even a little bit.

I feel anxious and low and despairing. I cannot shake it. Nora, mind you, is my total joy, and she lights up my face and heart constantly. But everything else in life? Everything else? I either can't reach through the haze to feel it, or it increases my malaise, or it overwhelms me (and thus, distresses me).

I don't know what's going on. Well, there's some family stuff going on, like there always is, but it hasn't affected me like this for a long time. Does Baby Bliss wear off? Is it seasonal affective disorder (spring is here - I'll feel better soon?). What?

It's to the point that I have no appetite, I feel nauseous half the time (no, I am not pregnant - it's that nervous stomach nausea I used to get). I want to cry. I want to hide.

I think I might desert this blog and start another one. This one was begun to record my journey through my first pregnancy, and I wanted it to continue as a journal of new mamahood, but I think I need something fresh and unlinked to Nora's World so that I can say what I want without linking it to the sweetness of my baby in any way. Something that isn't framed by motherhood, so that I can retrieve the other pieces of me and deliver them all together with the mama stuff. Because there's more to me than my mama-ness, and maybe if I re-anonymize (heh, that's a word!) myself, I can talk about it and circle back into the land of mama bloggers with a new face.

I don't know. I'll go drink my triple latte and try to get this damned freelance piece out of my head and to my editor.