Day ~45.

Sick, sick, sick. Awful, burning nausea. Lightheadedness. A coworker just asked me if I ate lunch, because I look peaked.

Yesterday was better than the day before. Today is worse than yesterday. I'm keeping warm ginger ale and crackers by the bed, and switched sides with DTB so that I have easy bathroom access.

Maybe I'm lucky - so far, no throwing up. Just the awful voiding of the sitting kind, in the mornings.

And let us not forget the persistent taste of pennies in my mouth.

I sip the soda and force down crackers whenever I wake up, and try to do it without moving much. Sleeping on my back seems to help. And during the day, just eating, eating, eating. During the actual act of eating, I feel almost normal, except for the uncomfortable sensation of swallowing something when I am not at all hungry. I eat simple things, or whatever doesn't make me queasy. Unfortunately, that seems to consist of grilled cheese sandwiches, cream cheese bagels, and plain bean and cheese burritos. Heavy, mild foods. So much for not gaining weight until the second trimester.

We've decided to tell R and K as soon as the funny gifts get here for the surprise moment. A copy of "Uncle Buck" for R, and a copy of "Auntie Mame" for K. Mom's is harder. Believe it or not, there are almost no movies with "Granny," "Grandma" or "Grandmother" in the titles, besides horror films. We're worried enough about telling her - chainsaws we can do without. We need the support, the excitement of others, to keep all this fresh and happy and thrilling. DTB pats me on the back and grins weakly, knowing I feel awful. He's not sure what to do. I want him to baby me, but he's never been good at that. It bewilders him when I am less than Queen Bee in Charge.

This morning, I began to wonder how on earth I will manage to work as hard as need to if I keep feeling this way. I became really afraid of how my boss will react to the news, how I might be treated, how I might be dismissed, how I might be looked over for important projects that could cement my place here. I can't lose my job. And I thrive on being successful, admired, and respected. I've realized I may have to shift that to pride in being a mother - since everything else will soon come second to that. It's harder than you think - at least for me. I was near tears, at my desk, wanting so badly to call a friend. But no one knows yet - which is another reason to break the news soon.

For the first time, I hung pictures of all my friends' children above my desk. For inspiration and encouragement.

I think the baby is officially an embryo now. And only as big as a grain of rice.